well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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