Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I want a musical about memes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
