working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
