I think I am morally bankrupt
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
