I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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