Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
