And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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