Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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