and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
