I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize