Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
