well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
