His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
