she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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