dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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