WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
