dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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