The brown eye won't let me do that either.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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