i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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