I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just forgot I was standing up.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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