I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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