Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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