I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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