I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
