I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
