i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
