Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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