Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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