I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
