Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
