So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
