Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dicks are not precious.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize