Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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