his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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