in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
