I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
