she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize