She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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