I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
