Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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