my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize