my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dignity is for republicans.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
