Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
