My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
