you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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