Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Send help, water and tortillas.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
