Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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