My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
