I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
