You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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