you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
