god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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