hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
