one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize