I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I enjoy the company of your penis
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
