You smell like a Billy Joel song
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
