Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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