fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
is it fun? or sober?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
