Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
