im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize